Going Back

In preparation for our appointment with our new doctor, we needed to collect our medical records. I decided that the easiest thing to do was to swing by our old doctor's office and pick up a copy.

It hit me softly at first, and then like gale force winds as I entered the door. I had returned to the scene of the crime. It had started so innocently all of those years ago. I remember sitting in the waiting room, giddy with excitement. Then, a realization washed over me. Nothing had turned out as we planned.

The staff were their usual, kind, selves, greeting me with a smile. I sat in the waiting room while the documents were prepared. It struck me that we never actually inseminated at this office. It was the place that I liked most. It felt warm and welcoming. The other office is "where the freezer is" ... so that's where the procedures take place. I had all but forgotten how the waiting room here feels like a friend's living room.

Finally, my patient care coordinator appeared with a package. There it was. Our entire baby making journey summed up in a manilla envelope. It drew me in. I could barely wait to get out of the building to open it. I walked around the corner to a sandwich shop. I stood thumbing through the pages for a few minutes before I even realized that the store was closed. I found another spot where I could grab a bite and read the reports.

There it was in black and white... my numbers:
6 iui cycles, 4 with letrozole
1 biochemical pregnancy
recommendation: ivf

It all feels so far away. Like a lifetime has passed since we were young, clueless, and just starting out on this journey. Now, I sit with a new feeling. It's not quite giddy, but it is hopeful, laced with a bit of fear and a ton of emotion.